


In Which Bad Shit Goes Down

by ellipsisthegreat



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-12
Updated: 2010-12-12
Packaged: 2017-10-13 15:38:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/138908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellipsisthegreat/pseuds/ellipsisthegreat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Scotty is de-aged. Hilarity/chaos ensues. For a prompt on the st_xi_kink_meme.</p><p><strong>Warning:</strong> Vagrant misuse of Scottish accents and Binary Code. I have no regrets. Google is your friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Which Bad Shit Goes Down

_**DISCLAIMER** : Star Trek and everything affiliated with it belongs to JJ Abrams and all those other people who own it. All I own is the plot…_

"Engineering to Bridge."

"Kirk speak—is that you, Keenser?" Jim says, blinking. He hadn't really thought Keenser could say more than a few words.

"Yes."

"What happened to Scotty?"

"Bad shit has gone down, Captain."

"…Oh, jeez, what's he done this time?"

(ILIKETHISPAGEBREAK!YOUKNOW,IT'SEXCITING!)

"Get down from there!" Keenser is snapping tetchily up at something they couldn't see.

"What's going on, Keenser? Is that idiot Scot alright?" Bones asks with his usual scowl firmly in place.

Keenser turns long enough for them to see that he is mirroring Bones' expression before he looks back up again, pointing. "Up there."

"Stoap bumpin' yer gums ya bletherin' auld clype!" Says a very small, very freckle-covered boy who is sitting up in the scaffolding. He is wearing a large red uniform shirt that is doing its level best to completely drown him, his messy orange hair doing the same to his face.

"Is he speaking English?" Jim asks.

"Away an' bile yer heid!" The boy says.

"Oi!" Bones says, and suddenly his accent is as thick as Jim has ever heard it. "Git yer scrawny ass down here 'fore I tan yer hide, young'un!"

The boy blinks at him. "Ah'll dreep doan, keep edgy!" He says, and then drops down in front of them via some maneuvering that probably shouldn't be humanly possible. He grins, then straightens himself up and offers Bones a hand. "They cry me Monty, sir. Montgomery Scott."

"Speak Standard English." Bones says. "Got me?"

"Aye, sir, Ah ken." The boy says, then blinks again. "Er, Ah unnerstan'."

"I'm Dr. Leonard McCoy." He says, taking Monty's hand and shaking it. "I'm the CMO here on the USS _Enterprise_."

"Are we on a starship?" Monty asks, eyes growing wide.

"Yep." Jim says. "And I'm the captain—James T. Kirk, at your service."

"Can I take th' ship apart an' see how et works?" Monty asks eagerly.

"No. Definitely not." Bones says. "Maybe later Keenser can find you some parts to tinker with, but for now you're coming with me to sickbay."

"Ah'm no' sick!"

"I'll be the judge of that." Bones says, grabbing his ear and pulling him towards the turbolift.

"Ah feel fine!"

"That's what they all say—and then they're crawlin' to my sickbay with blood streamin' from their eyes like water spigots!" Bones says. "Space is disease and danger wrapped in darkness and silence, kid, and don't you forget it!"

"He's mad." Monty says to no one in particular, and then says to Bones, "You're mad."

"As a hatter, kid." Bones says.

(ILIKETHISPAGEBREAK!YOUKNOW,IT'SEXCITING!)

"Well, he's healthy." Bones says.

"Ah tol' ya." Monty grumbles.

"Any idea why he's…you know?" Jim asks, grimacing a little.

"As a doctor, I couldn't tell you shit about how he got the way he is." Bones says. "Personally, though, I reckon he did some fool thing while messin' around with God-only-knows-what, and he's damned lucky he didn't get his brains fried."

"Yer a very strange doctor." Monty says.

"Can it, kid, the grown-ups are talkin'." Bones says, rolling his eyes at Monty's enraged squawk.

Jim sighs. "I've got Spock and Chekov talking to Keenser; if they can't figure it out, I guess we'll just have to wait and hope for the best."

"Here, fix this." Bones says, shoving a broken tricorder into a fidgeting Monty's hands, then turns back to Jim. "I don't like it, Jim. Who knows what sort of effect this is gonna have on him? I mean, shit, Jim, we don't even know if there's a way to change him back, much less what he'll be like if we do. There are a million things—"

"We can't worry about all of that right now, Bones." Jim says. "Just…keep him under surveillance, for now. That's all we can really do for the time being. And worry about—Monty what in the hell are you do—"

There is a small BOOM!, and nurses swarm over to the three of them, everyone coughing due to the vast amounts of smoke that have begun to fill the air. Once the smoke has cleared, they all look at Monty, whose face is almost completely black except for the sheepish smile that shows a few of his pearly white teeth. The smoking tricorder is brought closer to his chest, like he's afraid they're going to take it away (which is a good assumption to make, given Bones' twitching fingers).

"Ah c'n fix tha'." He says, and stifles a grin when Bones goes completely postal.

(ILIKETHISPAGEBREAK!YOUKNOW,IT'SEXCITING!)

"And I thought he was a menace as an _adult_." Bones grumbles, burying his head in his hands. "Christ."

"Doctor, you are overreacting." Spock says.

"In the past _two hours_ since he got turned into a kid, he has blown up the same tricorder _three times_ and managed to accidentally poison himself by mixing dangerous chemicals together that he _shouldn't have been able to access_."

"Then we shall have to put stronger codes on the locks." Spock says quite logically.

"Look, we all have to remember that Scotty's a _genius_." Jim says before Bones can attempt to strangle his First Officer.

"Mad scientist is more like it." Bones grumbles.

" _Plus_ ," Jim continues, giving Bones a look, "he's a kid. Normal kids get into trouble. _Genius_ kids get into even more trouble. And Scotty never really grew up; we ought to be able to handle him as a kid."

There is a loud knock on the door.

"Come in." Bones snaps.

The door opens to show Nurse Chapel, who looks decidedly more haggard than she had ten minutes ago when they locked themselves into Bones' office to talk about what to do with Monty.

"Doctor, I have a hypo that will knock him out for a week." She says, face and tone completely deadpan except for a slight twitch in her right eyebrow.

Bones lets out a set of expletives that turns Spock's entire face green and makes Jim's ears go pink.

"What's he done now?" Bones asks, rounding his desk and exiting the room in time to see Cupcake do a spectacular somersault and land face-first into the side of a cabinet.

"01010010 01110101 01101110 00100000 01110010 01110101 01101110 00100000 01110010 01110101 01101110 00101100 00100000 01100001 01110011 00100000 01100110 01100001 01110011 01110100 00100000 01100001 01110011 00100000 01001101 01100011 01000011 01101111 01111001 00100001 00100000 01011001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01100011 01100001 01101110 00100111 01110100 00100000 01100011 01100001 01110100 01100011 01101000 00100000 01101101 01100101 00101100 00100000 01001001 00100111 01101101 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01100111 01101001 01101110 01100111 01100101 01110010 00101101 01101000 01100001 01101001 01110010 01100101 01100100 00100000 01100010 01101111 01111001!" Monty crows from where he has jumped onto a bio-bed, beating his fists against his chest like some sort of monkey.

"Christ Almighty." Bones says.

"I just gave him a little chocolate!" Janice Rand shrieks.

" _Montgomery Gillanders Scott_." Bones snarls.

Monty freezes and ducks his head, looking over at Bones with the eyes of a person who has just been caught doing something particularly bad. Sheepishly, he says, "01000001 01101000 00100000 01100100 01101001 01100100 01101110 01100001 01100101 00100000 01100100 01101111 00100000 01100001 01101110 01111001 01110100 01101000 01101001 01101110 00100111."

"If I have to tell you to speak Standard one more time…" Bones says.

"Sorry." Monty says, eyes downcast.

"Thank you." Bones says, and crosses his arms over his chest. "Now, you wanna tell me why you were terrorizing my nurses?"

"Ah wasnae—" Monty begins, but stops when he looks up and sees Bones' face. "Ah was jus' playin' around, doctor. Ah didnae mean no 'arm."

"I know that, Monty." Bones says, snagging Monty's shoulders and turning him around so that his back is pressed into Bones' front as the doctor motions at the sickbay. "But look at my staff, kiddo. They're either terrified or on the verge of putting a hypo to their own necks. Now, I'm not saying you can't have any fun—you're a kid, and kids are meant to have fun—I'm just saying that you're old enough—not to mention smart enough—" Bones raps his knuckles against Monty's head, "to know when you're going too far."

Monty nods, obviously miserable.

Spock clears his throat politely. "I believe now would be an appropriate time to apologize." He says, giving Monty The Eyebrow.

Monty grimaces, arms folding behind his back as his gaze returns to his shuffling feet. "Ah'm sorry aboot tha'. Ah didnae mean tae act like such a numptie."

"Just don't do it again, alright?" Chapel asks, flashing a hypo at him in warning.

"Oh, aye, ma'am." He says sincerely.

"Fine, then." She says, although she's still eyeballing him like she thinks he's about to go ballistic again.

"Ah c'n 'elp clean up." He says.

"NO!" The nurses all yell in unison, one of them looking a bit twitchy.

He blinks.

"Actually, Mr. Spock has a few tests he'd like to run, Monty." Bones says, putting a hand on his back and leading him towards the doors, Spock and Jim following. (Jim looks on the verge of laughing.) "How about this—if you're good and don't cause Mr. Spock or the other members of the science team any trouble, I'll have Keenser bring you up some old bits and pieces to tinker with, okay?"

Monty perks up considerably. "Alrigh'!"

"But you've gotta be good." Bones says, giving him a stern look.

"Ah'll be perfec'ly be'aved, sir!" Monty says with a sloppy salute.

"Good." Bones ruffles his hair. Then, suddenly, his eyes narrow, and he grabs Monty and pulls him into a hug that looks more threatening than comforting. "Also. You don't know how quickly I can run, and you _really_ don't want to find out. Got me, ginger-haired boy?"

"You unnerstan' binary code?" Monty asks, voice a little muffled.

Bones harrumphs and pushes him away, scowling and shooing him, Jim, and Spock out grumpily. "What in the fuck is binary code? I'm a doctor, not a computer geek. Now get the hell out of my goddamned sick bay, all of you!"

Later on, when Monty sticks his hands into his pants pockets, he finds a note that reads '01000010 01100101 00100000 01100111 01101111 01101111 01100100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01101100 01101001 01110100 01110100 01101100 01100101 00100000 01110011 01100011 01100001 01101101 01110000.'

(ILIKETHISPAGEBREAK!YOUKNOW,IT'SEXCITING!)

Spock's 'tests' get really boring really fast, but Monty behaves as best he can (which means he only accidentally causes _one_ explosion; a _teeny tiny_ one that singes off one of his eyebrows). And even though Spock argues the logic of rewarding him when Bones specifically said not to cause _any_ trouble, Bones just says that he knows "a damned sight more about raising kids than some green-blooded hobgoblin so you just butt the fuck out, would you?" and sends Monty down to Engineering.

There he re-meets Keenser, who kind of spooks him a little at first but is actually an alright…guy? Alien? Whatever. And Keenser introduces him to Gaila, who is almost as gorgeous as the _Enterprise_ and knows even more about taking stuff apart and putting it back together than Monty does. _And_ she's a _girl_!

She also talks to him in binary, and tells him some joke that Keenser guffaws about—something about how the meaning of life is the number 42 (he doesn't really understand how a number can be the meaning of life, but decides not to say anything just in case it's one of Those Things that he's supposed to have learned at some point and will be laughed at for not knowing), which in binary is 101010, and how the roman numerals for that are XXX, which means that the meaning of life is sex.

Some other engineer frowns when she hears Gaila telling the joke, and says that that's not really something that should be told to an eight year old (even if he is apparently supposed to be a lot older than eight, which is something _else_ that he doesn't understand). Gaila just snorts and says humans and their 'delicate sensibilities' about sex are ridiculous and she refuses to let Monty grow up thinking it's something that should be taboo.

Monty…is completely lost. But, luckily, the other woman leaves after that, and Gaila and Keenser show him how to put a tricorder together without blowing it up.

They're explaining why he isn't allowed anywhere near the dilithium crystals when Bones comes to fetch them for dinner, ruffling Monty's hair again and referring to him only as 'Ginger' or 'Kid,' which doesn't bother Monty as much as it probably should. Actually, he thinks it's kind of funny. And it's kind of nice to have a nickname other than Monty or 'that stupid little troublemaking bastard.'

Anyhow, they go to dinner, where Gaila winks at him and then does something with the replicator that has it making chocolate chip pancakes (for dinner? He _loves_ this place!), and even though Bones frowns and mumbles something about unhealthy food he doesn't make Monty replace it with something else.

"You have fun in Engineering?" Bones asks as they sit down at the table with Jim and Spock and the rest of the alpha crew.

"Aye!" Monty chirps, unable to contain his happiness any longer. "Gaila showed me how tae put that tricorder together without blowin' it up, and Ah got tae crawl through th' Jeffries Tubes, and did ye know th' dilithium—"

"Whoa, there, Ginger." Bones says. "Slow down. And if you're going to tell us about anything that could cause us to crash, I don't want to hear about it."

"Why not?" Monty asks, staring at him like he's crazy.

"I'm aviophobic."

Monty stares at him.

"I'm afraid of flying."

Monty blinks, cocking his head to one side. "Ye know…you're in _space_ , sir. Flyin'."

"I'm aware." Bones sneers. "And I'm better than I used to be—"

"I'll say. When I first met him he'd tried to lock himself in the bathroom of a shuttle." Jim pipes up with a snicker.

Monty giggles. "Ye sound like me ma, 'cept she gets sick in anythin' tha' moves. Drives me da mental."

"Oh?" Gaila asks.

"Aye." He nods emphatically. "Da's a mechanic, so he's always workin' on a car or summat, but he'll get her tae try and make sure it works and," he makes a comical gagging noise, "all o'er th' place. And, well, it's no' really her fault, ye kin? But Da's determined to make her get over it."

"What do you mean, it's not her fault?" Uhura asks.

"She's got good reasons t' be feert, don't she, then?" He asks. "Got in a nasty accident when she was a bairn and lost her left hand." He pauses for a moment before adding, "They did grow it back."

"Jesus." Bones mutters, shaking his head and taking a sip of his drink.

"Did you get an accident when you were a bairn , sir? That why you're feert o' flyin'?" Monty asks.

"Most doctors are hypochondriacs to some extent. My particular brand of hypochondria is just kind of an…exacerbation of my fear of heights." Bones says.

"I didn't know you were afraid of heights, too." Jim says.

"Well, back when I was young and stupid, my cousin convinced me that the oak tree in his back yard was magic, and if I climbed it on the night of a full moon I'd be able to fly." Bones says without looking at anyone. "I broke my left arm, bruised a couple of ribs, and nearly lost an eye."

"Holy shit, Bones." Jim says.

"And after I got out of the hospital, I duct taped him to the couch and tickled him 'til he pissed himself." The expression on his face that accompanies this statement is a mix between nostalgia and pride, and he seems unaware of the shocked and mildly frightened stares of his crewmates as he adds, "But, yeah. I ain't been overly fond of heights or flying since then."

"Your childhood sounds like it was…dangerous." Uhura says.

He shrugs. "We all survived to adulthood, so I don't reckon it was _too_ dangerous."

"Doctor, I find your conclusion to be illogical, given that the action you described could quite easily have ended in your death." Spock says.

"Well, yeah, that's why I'm afraid of heights. And, thanks to med school and a particularly harrowing class on space diseases, flying." Then he scowls and shakes his head. "And anyhow, we aren't talking about whether or not my childhood was illogical—which, by the way, is bullshit. We're talking about Monty's mother."

"Actually, the conversation stemmed from your aviophobic tendencies, which in turn stemmed from your childhood." Spock says.

"And _that_ conversation stemmed from Monty telling us about his day in Engineering." Bones retorts, and looks down at the boy sitting beside him. "Monty?"

"Ah donnae mind hearing abou' yer childhood, sir." Monty says. He actually looks eager to hear more.

Bones sputters for a moment before, "God _dammit_ , I'm a doctor, not a storybook!"

(ILIKETHISPAGEBREAK!YOUKNOW,IT'SEXCITING!)

The next day, the older Scotty has returned. When asked, he says he has no memory of what he was doing when he was de-aged, and that he has no idea what might have caused it.

The barely-suppressed grin on his face says otherwise, but everyone decides not to press him on the matter seeing as how that means he could probably do the same to them.

Bones does, however, force him to submit to various medical and psychological tests, which he sits through with surprising patience considering that he is just behind Jim for obstinacy in the face of time in sick bay.

After he has left, Bones finds a note in his pocket.

'01010100 01101000 01100001 01101110 01101011 01110011 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 00100000 01100101 01110110 01100101 01110010 01111001 01110100 01101000 01101001 01101110 01100111 00101100 00100000 01000100 01101111 01100011.'

The End.

 _Fun Fact o' the Day: The Southern accent is derived from the Scottish accent!_

 _Also, 'Gillanders' (a thousand apologies if Scotty has a canon middle name) means 'servant of St. Andrews.' And St. Andrews is the patron saint of Scotland and Russia!_


End file.
